Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
what are they serving at kfc then???
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.