Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Smooooooth
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.