My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
You Might Also Like
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?