TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You Might Also Like
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“We will wed,” I threatened
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin