I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
#JohnTravolta
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: