There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.