the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
what are they serving at kfc then???
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
reviewed some movies recently
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Them: You should try keto
Me: