Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer