My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
me working on my assignments ^-^
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?