sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.