My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I want what they have
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*