Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things