Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.