My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds