Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.