me hooking up with my ex
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
*jazz hands*
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs