someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.