In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You Might Also Like
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.