You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My dress code is business-casualty.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill