How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late