*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
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pelicons
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
And then there were 4
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!