“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.