Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
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the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
this could fix me
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.