[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!