When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
You Might Also Like
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.