who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: