I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math