I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Love is in the air fryer.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.