I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
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I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg