I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
🤣😈🤣
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
You got this…
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally