Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You Might Also Like
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.