If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
who will stop them
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”