So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there