I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
got so much cardio in today
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
#parenting
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.