Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Succinctly put.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna