My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
😅😅😅
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off