I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.