the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
😅😅😅
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news