I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.