A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE