[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.