I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Never let them know your next move 😂
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about