me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.