Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
You Might Also Like
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy