If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
#Caturday
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks