I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?