It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Very good news from my accountant
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Dishonest mechanic?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god