Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.