noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I have obtained a hat
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I think I’m having a stroke
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!