[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”